I have a purpose…

Is there a God and a Devil? In my 39 years of living, I have had 2 near-death experiences within the last 5 years. The first was 5 years ago when my son and I had just started attending church and getting to know the word of God. That morning started like any other morning. We got to church way too early and were goofing off in the parking lot blasting the radio, singing, and making videos of it. My son had separation anxiety at the time, so it was really important for me to find a church that he could build friendships and relationships with, instead of being by my side all of the time. From the moment my son could comprehend that his father wasn’t in the picture when he would say, “mommy I don’t want anything to ever happen to you”, I think it’s most parents reaction to say, “nothing would ever happen to me” but I never did because the truth is, I don’t know that for sure and my goal was to make sure that my son knew if something did ever happen to me, he would have to keep going and it would be ok. He would be ok without me. After church, we were on our way to see my dad for Father's Day. It was a beautiful day out and I had my windows down, we had Twenty One Pilots on the radio, singing and happy. My son had a fidget cube, which helped with his anxiety and I remember him singing with me, Stressed Out by TOP, feeling the summer breeze, and seeing him in my rearview in his car seat smiling and fidgeting with the fidget cube. Within a blink of an eye I heard tires squealing and before I could look in the direction it was coming from saw a collision on the front right side of my car. When the collision happened it was almost like slow motion where I could vividly see the driver of the other car and we made eye contact, then I looked at my son as my car spun and flipped across 3 lanes of traffic on 270 westbound. My entire life flashed before my eyes within a few seconds and I never once took my eyes off of my son. In my mind, I thought I was going to watch my son die, or he was going to see me die, or we were both going to die and this was it. I kept thinking how it would mess my son up so bad for him to see me die, and how I would be so messed up if I were to see him die. I also thought about my dad not knowing what had happened to us while he was waiting for us to arrive and how horrible his life would be if he discovered we died on the way to his house. Anyway, a ton of things goes through your mind in a very short time.

But after a while, everything just stopped abruptly. We were right side up facing oncoming traffic, smashed against the wire divider. I was able to stay calm when my son freaked out and climbed right up in my lap. I quickly got us out of the car in case there was gas leaking. That’s when I realized one of my shoes somehow came off, my purse was all over the freeway, had no clue where my phone flew out the window to, but we were alive and my son was clinging to me with blood dripping from his neck where his seatbelt had cut him.

We had over dozens of cars stop that day on both sides of the freeway and their stories of what they saw made us realize how God was in control of that situation that day. A semi drive said he saw it happen and he was just seconds away from hitting us as we flew across the freeway but happened to slow down shortly before the collision because he saw the driver that hit us speeding past people on the freeway and was keeping an eye on her. The fact that we missed ongoing traffic and landed perfectly upright where the metal divider was and walked away, takes my breath away still! My son immediately told everyone that day that God protected us, so if there were non-believers he definitely made them believe in God that day.

The second near-death experience I had was just recently, well almost a year ago now I guess. When I had my second kidney stone surgery. Most of my friends could tell you, I am pretty strong for the most part. Anyone to see me cry is pretty rare. I went on with lower back pain and bared through it until working a trade show for my previous job and listening to customers as sharp, knife stabbing pain in the same spot kept my keeled over. My co-worker at the time drove with me to the trade show and we had to park so far away that getting back to the car I just collapsed. It then started to downpour on top of snow and ice and I just let the tears start falling. I kept thinking, God why just let me get to my car and get home, don’t bring the cold, wet, rain on top of everything now. I ended up in the ER where I had my first surgery. Afterward, something just wasn’t right, I could feel it but no one would listen to me. I was alone back home with my son and still had the pain but had even more discomfort than before. I called everyone and just cried, screamed, hated how I felt. The doctors wouldn’t listen to me, told me what I was feeling was normal and I dealt with being uncomfortable and in pain for one more week alone at home with my son, taking care of us that entire week. Finally, I checked myself back into the ER where the nurses told me I still had my stones and an infection on top of it now. The first surgery missed them. Immediately they put me on pain medicine where I had my first dream or vision of my grandpa. He was sitting in his recliner talking to me like he did when I was a kid. Only this time he was laughing and telling me how stents were so uncomfortable. I remember thinking how odd it was to see my dead grandpa in a surrounding that felt so familiar and comforting only it wasn’t. The vision didn’t last long and when I woke up, I remember thinking how weird it was and how I wished I would have said something or not felt so uncomfortable with my grandpa because I may never see him again.

The week I was in the hospital my dad would bring my son to see me but my son was so distant I later found out it was because he hated seeing me that way and was afraid of losing me. My boyfriend at the time was working so much that he couldn’t make it up to the hospital to visit me and I remember just feeling so lonely and uncomfortable, anticipating feeling better and getting back to normal. The night I was supposed to have surgery I remember so many people coming all at once. My best friend, my aunt, my pastor, and they all prayed over me. My mom had left the room to say goodbye and nurses came to get me earlier for my surgery. They wheeled me away and shortly after I went to sleep I had my second vision. This time my grandpa was talking to me, but I wasn’t listening to what he was saying because this time I felt I was dead. I thought in my mind this is why I am seeing my grandpa because this is it, I’m dead and I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone, no one knows how I feel about them, and how instead of complaining about being in pain all the time I should have been telling them I loved them. I remember being afraid and so scared because I didn’t want to be dead. Then I woke up to two nurses wheeling me into a room and I was in gut-wrenching pain.

When I was released from the hospital two days later I stayed with my mom. I was in so much pain and I woke up to my grandpa again, only this time I felt his hand glaze across my head and he asked me if I wanted water. I said yes and he walked away down the stairs and out of sight. I immediately noticed he didn’t have a cane, and this feeling came over me that it wasn’t my grandpa that was visiting me. I don’t know why a dark spirit would have access to me but I do know that during that time I grew further and further from God. I was very close to an atheist at the time, which ultimately made me question things, I was going through a lot which I was blaming God for, and I was letting my relationship and job get in the way of my relationship with God. Those were the only things I could think of at the time, maybe God was keeping certain people away from me during that time for my own safety and why the only ones who did visit me were God-loving people.

A few weeks ago during COVID I went for my checkup and was told that during my surgery there were complications. I didn’t flat-line, but the doctor was scared enough that he had me prepped for those complications if they furthered. My heart just stopped at that moment. To know that God protected me yet again. I have a purpose, my life has meaning, and I can’t wait to discover what I was born into this world for!